Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Read online

and sat down.And for twenty blocks that idiot hung from a strap, swaying in thebreeze, with not a soul in the car but ourselves. Occasionally I havebeen taken for other women; but I never before had any one think thatI was a carful.

  * * * * *

  Husband (after the theater)--"Well, how do you like the piece?"

  Wife--"Very much. There's only one improbable thing in it. The secondact takes place two years after the first, and they have the sameservant."

  * * * * *

  Thomas Hill (the original "Paul Pry") was endeavoring one evening tocut up an orange in such a fashion as to represent a pig. Afterstrewing the table with about a dozen peels, he gave up the futileexperiment, saying, "Hang the pig! I can't make him at all."

  "Nonsense, Hill," said Theodore Hook, pointing to the table; "you havedone splendidly. Instead of a pig you have made a litter."

  * * * * *

  An elderly churchwarden in shaving himself one Sunday beforechurch-time made a slight cut with the razor on the extreme end of hisnose. Quickly calling to his wife, he asked her if she had anycourt-plaster in the house. "You will find some in my sewing basket,"she said. The warden soon had the cut covered. At church in assistingwith the collection he noticed everyone smile as he passed the plate,and some of the younger people laughed outright. Very much annoyed, heasked a friend if there was anything wrong with his appearance."Well, I should think there is," was the answer. "What is that on yournose?" "Court-plaster." "No," said his friend, "it is the label from areel of cotton. It says, 'Warranted 200 yd. long.'"

  * * * * *

  A man who stuttered very badly went to a specialist, and after tendifficult lessons learned to say quite distinctly, "Peter Piper pickeda peck of pickled peppers." His friends congratulated him upon thissplendid achievement.

  "Yes," said the man, doubtfully, "but it's s-s-such a d-d-deucedlyd-d-d-difficult rem-mark to w-work into an ordin-n-naryc-c-convers-s-sa-tion, y' know."

  * * * * *

  Toastmaster (to chairman of public dinner)--"Would you like to proposeyour toast now, my lord, or should we let 'em enjoy themselves a bitlonger?"

  * * * * *

  A visitor to a Sunday-school was asked to address a few remarks to thechildren. He took the familiar theme of the children who mocked Elishaon his journey to Bethel--how the youngsters taunted the poor oldprophet and how they were punished when two she bears came out of thewood and ate forty-and-two of them. "And now, children," said he,wishing to learn if his talk had produced any moral effect, "what doesthis story show?" "Please, sir," came from a little girl well down inthe front, "it shows how many children two she bears can hold."

  * * * * *

  A curate who had left his parish on account of the attentions of hislady parishioners, meeting his successor one day in the street askedhim how he got on in his new position. "Very well indeed," returnedthe other. "But are not the ladies rather pressing in theirattentions?" "Oh, my dear fellow, I manage that all right, I findsafety in Numbers." "I see," returned his companion, "well, I foundsafety in Exodus."

  * * * * *

  "I want some collars for my husband," said a lady in a departmentstore, "but I am afraid I have forgotten the size."

  "Thirteen and a half, ma'am?" suggested the clerk.

  "That's it. How on earth did you know?"

  "Gentlemen who let their wives buy their collars for 'em are almostalways about that size, ma'am," explained the observant clerk.

  * * * * *

  On a recent occasion before leaving Marlborough House new clothes wereordered for Prince Edward, and according to custom a tailoress wassent to fit him at a time which would not interfere with his lessons.The tailoress duly arrived and was ushered to the Prince'ssitting-room, but on the door being opened she paused as she saw thata gentleman, whose face was turned toward the fireplace, was sittingsmoking and chatting with the children. Prince Edward, whose manner ismost friendly, at once ran forward and told her to come in, and seeingthat she still hesitated added in a reassuring voice, "You needn'tmind, it's only grandpapa."

  * * * * *

  A physician engaged a nurse, recently graduated, for a case ofdelirium tremens. The physician succeeded in quieting his patient andleft some medicine, instructing the nurse to administer it to him ifhe "began to see snakes again." At the next call the physician foundthe patient again raving. To his puzzled inquiry the nurse repliedthat the man had been going on that way for several hours, and thatshe had not given him any medicine.

  "But didn't I tell you to give it to him if he began to see snakesagain?" asked the physician.

  "But he didn't see snakes this time," replied the nurse confidently."He saw red, white, and blue turkeys with straw hats on."

  * * * * *

  Shortly after his entrance into political life Disraeli stood for acertain Middlesex borough in the Conservative interest. It was a"personally conducted" canvass, and, among others, the future PrimeMinister solicited the vote and interest of a well-to-do but somewhatirascible farmer, who was supposed to be rather doubtful in hispolitical convictions.

  "Vote for you!" he shouted when Mr. Disraeli made known the object ofhis call. "Why, I'd vote for the devil sooner."

  "Ah, quite so!" said Mr. Disraeli, suavely, "but in event of yourfriend not standing, may I hope for your interest?"

  * * * * *

  An ambitious youth once sent his first MS. to Dumas, asking thedistinguished novelist to become his _collaborateur_. The latter wasastounded at the impertinence. Angrily seizing his pen, he wrote: "Howdare you, sir, yoke together a noble horse and a contemptible ass?"

  He received the following reply:

  "How dare you sir, call me a horse?"

  His anger vanished and he laughingly penned the following:

  "Send on your MS., my friend; I gladly accept your proposition."

  * * * * *

  An old farmer recently came into possession of a check for $200. Hefinally summoned up nerve enough to go to the bank.

  "What denomination?" said the teller, hastily, as the check was passedin through the window.

  "Luther'n, gol darn it. But what has that got to do with it?"

  * * * * *

  A young woman was in company with a university graduate, and naturallythe talk ran upon books. By and by there was a lull in theconversation, broken presently by the young woman, who said: "What doyou think of Fielding, Mr. Smith?"

  "Oh," was the answer, "fielding is important, of course; but it isn'tworth much unless you have good pitching and batting."

  * * * * *

  General Frederick D. Grant said to his servant one morning: "James, Ihave left my mess boots out. I want them soled."

  "Yes, sir," the servant answered.

  The general, dressing for dinner that night, said again:

  "I suppose, James, that you did as I told you about those boots?"

  James laid thirty-five cents on the bureau.

  "Yes, sir," said he, "and this is all I could get for them, though thecorporal who bought 'em said he'd have given half a dollar if pay dayhadn't been so far off."

  * * * * *

  President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter wasin command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducteda waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that hemade very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief butexceedingly pertinent letter:

  "_My dear McClellan_: If you don't want to use the army I should liketo borrow it for a while.

  "Yours respectfully,

  "A. LINCOLN."

  * * * * *

  It
was at a children's party in West Kensington. The youngsters hadjust done more than justice to the luxurious spread provided by theirhostess, and games were now the order of the evening.

  "Now, children," said she, "we will play the zoo, and each of you mustrepresent a different animal."

  Then, going to a little girl, she asked:

  "Now, Carrie, what are you going to be?"

  "I'll be an elephant."

  "And you, Reggie, what are you going to be?"

  "I'm going to be a lion."

  "And what are you going to be, Hilda?"

  "I'm going to be a tiger."

  Then, crossing to the other side of the room, the hostess, noticing ayoungster sitting all alone, asked:

  "And what are you going to be, Tommy?"

  "P-please," was the halting reply, "p-please--I'm going--to be sick."

  * * * * *

  A man who had been convicted of stealing was brought before a certain"down East" judge, well known for his tender-heartedness, to besentenced.

  "Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment?" asked the judge, notunkindly.

  "Never!" exclaimed the prisoner, suddenly bursting into tears.

  "Well, well, don't cry, my man," said his honor consolingly; "you'regoing to be now."

  * * * * *

  The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out thefollowing among his directions for using:

  "When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in acool place under the hydrant. If the baby does not thrive on freshmilk, it should be boiled."

  * * * * *

  A well-known New York clergyman was telling his Bible class the storyof the Prodigal Son at a recent session, and wishing to emphasize thedisagreeable attitude of the elder brother on that occasion, he laidespecial stress on this phase of the parable. After describing therejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, hespoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share inthe jubilant spirit of the occasion.

  "Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"

  A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, putup his hand.

  "I know," he said, beamingly; "it was the fatted calf."

  * * * * *

  "I understand," said the old-time friend, "that you are gettin' rightexclusive."

  "Well," answered Mr. Cumrox, "that's what mother an' the girls callit."

  "What do you call it?"

  "Plain 'lonesome'."

  * * * * *

  "Tommy," said the hostess, "you appear to be in deep thought."

  "Yes'm," replied Tommy; "ma told me somethin' to say if you should askme to have some cake or anything, an' I bin here so long now I forgitwhat it was."

  * * * * *

  A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around adog of doubtful pedigree.

  "What are you doing, my little men?" he asked with fatherly interest.

  "Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tellsthe biggest one gets the purp."

  "Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I nevereven _thought_ of telling an untruth."

  "Youse win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister."

  * * * * *

  A Brooklyn Sunday-school teacher once had occasion to catechise a newpupil whose ignorance of his Testament would have been amusing had itnot been so appalling. One Sunday she asked the little fellow how manycommandments there were.

  To her surprise, the lad answered, glibly enough: "Ten, ma'am."

  "And now, Sammy," pleasantly asked the teacher, "what would the resultbe if you should break one of them?"

  "Then there'd be nine!" triumphantly answered the youngster.

  * * * * *

  William J. Carr, of the State Department, had occasion to call at thehouse of a neighbor late at night. He rang the door-bell. After a longwait a head was poked out of a second-floor window.

  "Who's there?" asked a voice.

  "Mr. Carr," was the reply.

  "Well," said the voice as the window banged shut, "what do I care ifyou missed a car? Why don't you walk, and not wake up people to tellthem about it?"

  * * * * *

  A clever veterinary has a system all his own. When he received anoverfed toy dog he would consign him to a disused brick oven, with acrust of bread, an onion and an old boot. When the dog began to gnawthe bread, the anxious mistress was informed that her darling was"doing nicely." When it commenced operation on the onion, word wassent that the pet was "decidedly better"; but when the animal tackledthe boot, my lady was gratified to hear that her precious pet was"ready to be removed."

  * * * * *

  A lady while going downstairs to dinner had the misfortune to stepslightly on the dress of a lady in front of her. The man on whose armthe former was leaning rudely said aloud so that the couple in frontmight hear, "Always getting in the way like Balaam's ass!" Upon whichthe lady whose gown had been trodden on, turning round, replied with asweet smile, "Pardon me, it was the angel who stood in the way and theass which spoke."

  * * * * *

  A number of years ago, when the former Second Assistant Secretary ofState, Alvey A. Adee, was Third Assistant, an employee of the StateDepartment was called to the 'phone.

  "Will you kindly give me the name of the Third Assistant Secretary ofState?" asked the voice at the other end of the wire.

  "Adee."

  "A. D. what?"

  "A. A. Adee."

  "Spell it, please."

  "A."

  "Yes."

  "A."

  "Yes."

  "A----"

  "You go to the d----!" and the receiver was indignantly hung up.

  * * * * *

  Smith and Jones, talking about the Kaiser:

  Jones--"They tell me that unfortunately he is very bellicose."

  Smith--"Dear me! You surprise me! I always understood he was rathertall and slim."

  * * * * *

  "I will be your valentine," said the young man.

  A shadow passed across the fair face of the girl. "I was so in hopesthat I would not get any comics this year," she said.

  * * * * *

  One of the favorite stories of Mayor Collins of Boston was about a manwho, accompanied by his little boy, had occasion to cross a lot wherea good-sized goat was feeding.

  The father was a Christian Scientist and always carried a copy of Mrs.Eddy's works in his pocket. As they approached the goat the boy showedfear, whereat his father told him to think it not possible for theanimal to harm them, but the boy, remembering a previous encounterwith a goat, in which he came out second best, did not grow anybraver.

  "Papa, you're a Christian Scientist, all right," he said, "and so amI; but the goat doesn't know it."

  * * * * *

  Horace T. Eastman, the inventor of the locomotive pilot, said theother day:

  "This morning I was sitting in a drug store waiting to get aprescription filled when a young Irishman entered.

  "The Irishman pointed to a stack of green Castile soap and said:

  "'Oi want a lump o' thot.'

  "'Very well, sir,' said the clerk. 'Will you have it scented orunscented?'

  "'Oi'll take ut with me,' said the Irishman."

  * * * * *

  Robert Smith, brother of Sydney Smith, and an ex-Advocate-General, onone occasion engaged in an argument with a physician over the relativemerits of their respective professions.

  "I don't say that all lawyers are crooks," said the doctor, "butyou'll have to admit that your profession doesn't make angels of men."
/>
  "No," retorted Smith; "you doctors certainly have the best of usthere."

  * * * * *

  Small chap--"Say, papa, what is the race problem?"

  Papa--"Picking winners."

  * * * * *

  The temperance society was to meet that afternoon. Mrs. Philpotsdressed in a hurry and came panting downstairs. She was a short, plumpwoman.

  "Addie, run up to my room and get my blue ribbon rosette, thetemperance badge," she directed her maid. "I have forgotten it. Youwill know it, Addie--blue ribbon and gold lettering."

  "Yas'm, I knows it right well." Addie could not read, but she knew ablue ribbon with gold lettering when she saw it, and therefore had notrouble in finding it and fastening it properly on the dress of hermistress.

  Mrs. Philpots was too busy greeting her friends or giving closeattention to the speakers at the meeting to note that they smiled whenthey shook hands with her.

  When she reached home, supper was served, so she went directly to thedining-room, where the other members of the family were seated.

  "Gracious